WHY DO YOU WANT TO DIVORCE?

divorceWe all who have been married know the feeling, waking up each morning to the same feeling of not knowing how to feel where to turn, something is different about the relationship and it just not the same. You both try to talk about it but now you are at your wits end because your partner is fine, or just as confused as you are in knowing what to do in bringing the spark back and surprisingly enough some have never felt a spark a day in their marriage.

While many troubled individuals and couples choose to end their marriages out of the belief that their situation has become irreparable, their motivation often tends to be driven by a desire to free themselves from overwhelming emotional pain, rather than a genuine conviction that repair is not a real possibility. Learning how to manage the feelings of disappointment, frustration, and pain that inevitably occur in marriage, can help couples to navigate their way through these treacherous waters without making the choice to bail out prematurely. The good news is that there are teachable and workable means of managing emotional distress that all couples can learn.

It’s not an absence of love that drives people to divorce. Ninety percent of divorced couples state that they still love each other. Love or a lack of love in most cases is not the problem. What most couples need is a higher level of relational skills such as conflict management, dealing with differences, committed listening, non- judging presence, responsible self-care, discernment, mutual appreciation, emotional honesty, and personal responsibility, to name a few. While most of us would agree that these skills are beneficial to any relationship, knowing about them and embodying them in one’s daily life are two very different things. With practice and support, however, these skills can be cultivated and strengthened. Think about it, we were grown up to believe to avoid pain, to just go on your knees when things are not going well and God will work it out, but in reality I am sorry to say, it really doesn’t work like that.

Most couples wait too long to get help. A recent survey found that on average, couples with persistent marital difficulties made their first outreach to a counsellor six years after the initial onset of the problem. Most couples go to the Counselling just for the counsellor to justify their reason for wanting to leave, not to bring the relationship back together, so you will see two stone face persons sitting in front of you and all they are interested in is pointing a finger at the other for the state the relationship is in. Sometimes they think that by going to the counsellor a magic potion will be sprinkled and they can just go home with the information, doing the same old thing hoping for a miracle. Wishful thinking or the hopes that things will just “spontaneously improve” is rarely sufficient to implement necessary corrections to a troubled relationship. Things don’t generally stay the same when they are unattended. Relationships are either growing or dying. There’s no neutral ground, and continued breakdown diminishes the chances of full repair. Generally, the longer couples wait to get the help that they need, the longer it takes to heal the relationship. Of course couples should by all means make their best efforts to use the skills they have to do their relationship work on their own as a first resort. However, when your best efforts fail to bring about the desired outcome, it’s better to get help sooner rather than later.

Would you believe however that 80% of problem marriages can be restored if persons get the desired help on time? It’s an unfortunate truth that many people go into marriage with the expectation that eventual divorce is a likelihood for most couples. Others enter marriage with another equally illusory belief that “love is enough” to get you through the rough times. As most of us know, love goes through many seasons and there can be some harsh winters. Some of the factors that can determine whether or not a couple makes it have to do with identifying and challenging beliefs and expectations that can set us up for disastrous self-fulfilling prophecies. Contrary to common opinion, there is no shortage of good resources to keep marriages healthy and to heal them when they’re not, but there has to be a willingness to recognize when help is needed as well as an intention to engage in the repair process in an open and responsible way. When these conditions are met, in most cases, the prognosis is good.

A recent San Francisco Chronicle article about marriage featured several tips to promote a healthy relationship, including:

  • Spending time with each other
  • Learning to negotiate conflict
  • Creating a spiritual connection
  • Practicing forgiveness with each other
  • Improving communication skills and
  • Showing respect for each other at all times

Let me however add that in order for us to have a healthy relationship we should strive to have a better relationship with our God, whoever we perceive him to be, this is very important. We hear it but we do not accept it as truth that the couple that prays together stays together and I am not talking about prayer from the lips, but prayer from the heart, that of having a working relationship with your higher source. Stay connected, the disease of the divorce is too high a price for us to use it as the first option for a failing marriage.

Treat each other with love… all the time.

How to Make Someone Fall in Love

Ok, we all know the basics of how to make someone like us: we have to look good, be well groomed, well dressed, and pleasant in conversation. We must be clever- this is very important, because if we are not clever nothing else will work long enough. Here is a person in front of you whom you like very much and want to be around, what can you do to make it work, to make it beautiful, interesting?

Take a mental inventory of a person you are trying to impress/ make fall in love with you. Pay attention to their clothes, their words, their body language, and their actions. What kind of person is he/she? What do they want? What is missing in their life? The more detailed is your answer the better chances you have of making them fall in love. Know who you are dealing with before engaging in any kind of relationship. The information about who the person really is will not present itself unless you learn to observe and listen, let others talk and act, your job is to sit back, listen, watch and filter the information until you get a precise picture of what is going on and who is the person in front of you. The most important question you must answer: Is the person I am trying to impress/make fall in love cleverer than I am? I am not talking about the college education, or scientific background, I am talking about how transparent you are to the other person, how well they can read you, and how well they can use you without you knowing it. If you establish they are cleverer than you, which by the way very few of us can successfully do, your best bet is to stay away from them, you are just a lamb trying to get a wolf’s attention. You must find someone on your intelligence level or below. You should never attempt to seduce someone cleverer than you, you are putting yourself at a disadvantage, but what if you misperceived someone’s intelligence level and took someone cleverer than you for someone who is not? I’m sorry to say- you are going down. You have an impossible challenge in front of you- to impress someone, to offer useful, clever information, insight they don’t possess, offer them on a silver platter something they have never realized- in other words dazzle them with your wit and prospects. As you go about your business impressing them with your stupidity, you will be inadvertently tipping them off on how they can use you, not necessarily for sex, and then easily dispose of you, and you will never see it coming. You must learn to read people; you must gauge correctly their level of intelligence. You have to play the game; you must make it interesting for them. You must have something to offer and it must be better than that offered by others.

Relationship Repair

Repairing relationship requires much time and real endeavors to be fruitful. That’s why not everyone can succeed in healing relationship wounds easily. Luckily, recovering relationship with your Ex is not desperate but it’s not the task that you can complete alone and quickly. Deep reasons for your break-up will determine what proper measures for you to follow are.

So you should begin with finding the cause of the break down. You may find that a lot of small things have contributed to the break up. It is much easier to fix one big problem. But fixing several small things will require a lot of effort and patience. In either case, you need to put in the efforts, if you are keen on healing relationship wounds.

After figuring out what went wrong, you should honestly examine your own role and the extent of your contribution to the break up.
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It is not only actions but also words that might have played a big a role in a broken relationship. Words are as powerful as and sometimes more powerful than actions. It is well known that words can inflict deep wounds, which are difficult to heal.

The next thing is to decide what you need to do to fix the problems and commit yourself to investing the time required to work on this task. Healing relationship wounds will invariably involve changing your behavior. If you are not willing to accept this change, you may as well give up your efforts!

But whatever you do will have no effect unless your partner is also willing to work on the relationship. If you are not both committed to making it work, it is better to abandon the idea of healing relationship wounds and accept the break up as final.

You also need to be aware that even after you save your relationship, the scars left by the break up will remain for a long time and you both should accept this fact. But you can still make your life memorable by loving each other sincerely, with no expectations or conditions.

How to Make Someone Fall in Love

Ok, we all know the basics of how to make someone like us: we have to look good, be well groomed, well dressed, and pleasant in conversation. We must be clever- this is very important, because if we are not clever nothing else will work long enough. Here is a person in front of you whom you like very much and want to be around, what can you do to make it work, to make it beautiful, interesting?

Take a mental inventory of a person you are trying to impress/ make fall in love with you. Pay attention to their clothes, their words, their body language, and their actions. What kind of person is he/she? What do they want? What is missing in their life? The more detailed is your answer the better chances you have of making them fall in love. Know who you are dealing with before engaging in any kind of relationship. The information about who the person really is will not present itself unless you learn to observe and listen, let others talk and act, your job is to sit back, listen, watch and filter the information until you get a precise picture of what is going on and who is the person in front of you. The most important question you must answer: Is the person I am trying to impress/make fall in love cleverer than I am? I am not talking about the college education, or scientific background, I am talking about how transparent you are to the other person, how well they can read you, and how well they can use you without you knowing it. If you establish they are cleverer than you, which by the way very few of us can successfully do, your best bet is to stay away from them, you are just a lamb trying to get a wolf’s attention. You must find someone on your intelligence level or below. You should never attempt to seduce someone cleverer than you, you are putting yourself at a disadvantage, but what if you misperceived someone’s intelligence level and took someone cleverer than you for someone who is not? I’m sorry to say- you are going down. You have an impossible challenge in front of you- to impress someone, to offer useful, clever information, insight they don’t possess, offer them on a silver platter something they have never realized- in other words dazzle them with your wit and prospects. As you go about your business impressing them with your stupidity, you will be inadvertently tipping them off on how they can use you, not necessarily for sex, and then easily dispose of you, and you will never see it coming. You must learn to read people; you must gauge correctly their level of intelligence. You have to play the game; you must make it interesting for them. You must have something to offer and it must be better than that offered by others.