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Is Love over When the ‘Spark’ is Gone?

May 29, 2013 by 1 Comment

Are you one of that who is being dumped or who feels that it may be time to break up because the “Spark” just isn’t there like it used to be?

What happened?  Where did the Spark go that he/she used to feel for and with me, or why don’t I feel it anymore?  Is it a sign that it wasn’t really real Love like when we first met?  Do we feel like there’s just something that is missing that cannot be found?  Will he/she ever find a “Lasting” Love where the “Spark” doesn’t fade or die?  Why do we feel like we are dying inside now that we have been dumped and can’t go on without this person or recover?

Medical Science has Interesting Evidence that Love is a Drug…

Medical Science has performed numerous brain imagine experiments on people’s brains during times when they were feeling deeply in love with that certain euphoric feeling of intense pleasure and happiness, and also on brains of people who were still together in a love relationship long after the highly romantic early stages, and also on brains of those who were experiencing deep depression and pain due to being dumped.

Is that old saying, or maybe it was a song title too, “Love is a Drug,” really true?  Medical Science says it is!  There is even a scientific hypothesis that, “Romantic loves is a specific form of addiction.”  The big connection between this widely known connection between Love and Pleasurable Addiction has everything to do with some key brain chemicals: Dopamine & Norepinephrine (the feel good, pleasure promoting brain chemicals) can also cause: the exhilaration, single-mindedness, and even sleeplessness experienced in the new phases of romantic love, and resulting decreased levels of Serotonin can send our mind racing toward obsession.  Elevated Dopamine levels in the brain cause the same sensations as caused by certain drugs (cocaine, nicotine, marijuana, opiates, PCP, and etc…) such as “focused attention, fierce energy, concentrated motivation to attain a reward, and feelings of elation and mania,” and also the Drug called Love!   Yes, new Romantic Love triggers high release of Dopamine and other brain chemicals in the brain, and the effects are often described as similar to a Cocaine high and they are felt so too.

 Can we keep the Romantic, Euphoric “High” or Spark forever; is it even possible?

Neither natural or synthetic Chemical highs last forever, but like common drug addiction, a kind of natural tolerance develops, and the epidemic of short-lived romantic passionate love affairs today that many times end after a year or two, are associated with the natural levelling out of brain chemicals.  When the intoxicating chemicals begin level out, this is often spelling the end of the delirious passions, which are being understood so greatly today as a loss of Love.   There are 2 general responses that can occur as a result of these neuro-chemical changes:

1.  Some people continue to move from relationship to relationship after the initial
euphoric high levels out and there are terms being used today such as, “attraction
junkies,” and “infatuation addicts,” to describe those who continue a pattern of
running after the hits the romantic high, or…

2.  Some go on into the next mature level or kind of Compassionate Love.

From Early Romantic Love to Mature Compassionate Love

CLICK IF YOU WANT TO BE MORE PASSIONATE!

A very notable difference between these 2 kinds of Love can be described by how the newer passionate romantic love is more about how the other person makes you feel, and the longer enduring Mature Love transforms into loving the other person as he or she is.  There are different chemicals noted that have effects as far as supporting this second phase of love and one such type are called Endorphins.  Endorphins:  In comparison to the new romantic highs that chemicals like Dopamine provide, Endorphins are a natural opiate type hormone that our body produces itself that contributes to:

Compassionate type love bonding, even such as like friend to friend, mother or
father to child, or kin spirit to kin spirit, so to speak.  It influences the kind of
bonding that has to do with maturing trust, respect, and growth, in mature love.  It
has even been termed, “endorphin bonding,” and typifies the soft and smooth
cooperation of two soul mates enfolding and absorbing together the hard things
and challenges of life in a buffering type relationship. It can be described as two
individual people coming together and growing into each other without being
suffocating or parasitic.

The suffering of Anguish of Romantic Rejection

To be dumped or rejected by someone we love and have developed a romantic bond with has been compared to the experience of suffering withdrawals from Cocaine, including all the driving cravings that come with it.  Brain imagines studies have revealed that those who are still in love with their “rejecters,” are exhibiting goal-oriented motivation rather than a specific emotion,” (Science Daily, 2010).  This would speak of all the strategies we feel driven toward to get the object of our love back or maybe the high we felt with them.  If these cravings of withdrawal extend beyond average or normal boundaries, which can happen sometimes when feelings are extremely painful and we lose any control over them and/or our behaviours, people are driven to stalking sometimes or again various levels of depression and sometimes suicide.

 Recovery from being dumped & finding Help

Research has shown evidence that Time heals all wounds; brain studies also show an area in the brain related to “attachment” that showed less activity after a level of time since the breakup.  It’s not an easy process and can be extremely or even dangerously hard for some people.  The emotional dilemma and pain of a broken love-relationship is publicly recognized and there is a variety of sources of help, both in the community and even online.   It’s always a good idea to talk to somebody! You can talk to me…

There is a need today not only to understand the difference between new and euphoric Romantic Love and Mature Love, but also the differences between healthy love relationships and unhealthy ones which can proceed out of some psychological disorders or flavours such as:  Dependent Personality or even Sex Addiction, which is also a common occurrence today.

THE PASSION PROGRAMME – CLICK!

There is an identified trend today toward not making it or not understanding the changing nature of Romantic Love into Mature Love, so that there are healthy Relationships that are ending because some or many are interpreting the decline in the initial Romantic “Spark” or “High” as a decline in Love.  I think there is a big Need today for us to learn and understand more about what Mature Love is and how it grows and becomes the kind of enduring long term Love that so many need and want to be able to build a life around that will lead to long term fulfilment and true happiness in life. We can do it, just require understanding and patience. Long live love!!!

Adopted from my friend on Relationship Talk (Kimberley)

Filed Under: General Chat, Love, Relationships, Single Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Twelve Anti-Rules For Love

May 25, 2013 by Leave a Comment

It is that time of year when love is in the air, the festivals.  We have family dinners, we go shopping and there is just this something about this time when you are alone it just feels so lonely. I have done it with family and I have done it alone and if I had to choose, who are we kidding, it would be to be with the ones I love.

We can find them on several websites, the twelve Anti-Rules for Love and I honestly think it makes sense. There are some other things we should know, but at least this is a start, we all should know this, I personally think it would help in guiding us in a direction for love.

1. Stop trying so hard.

Give up your efforts to force love into a self-help cast. It will never fit, no matter how much you struggle. The only thing you’ll achieve are blisters in your brain. And love is not a Rubik’s Cube either. You can’t solve its riddles by clicking the red, blue, green, yellow, etc., pieces neatly into place. You’ll only get blisters on your fingers. So give yourself the heavenly permission to let love do the heavy lifting all by itself. Not only will this feel great, but it will save you a fortune in therapist and manicure fees.

2. Stop being so cautious.

Love is one of those human experiences where caution is overrated. If you want to be safe, go shopping at Zara with your best friend. The worst that can happen to you there is that you won’t be able to resist the adorable little black dress on sale. But when it comes to love, don’t expect caution to get you anywhere. Applying caution to love is like driving uphill with your emergency brake on. You might be able to keep going for a while, but eventually, you’ll need to find a mechanic.

Click to Find the Root Cause for a Break Up.

The more time you spend analyzing your love life, the less time you’ll have left for loving. You’ll give yourself a splitting headache. So save yourself the trouble and don’t try to think it through. Except, of course, when you start to get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, that tells you that something is seriously wrong. If you begin to feel injured, damaged, offended, or nauseated, feel free to think yourself right out the door. Counsellor in a Box.

4. Stop expecting your partner to act like you.

Unless, of course, you’re ready to be dragged through the city streets by your hair. The great thing is that when you stop insisting that your guy/girl is the direct descendant of an ape, you might end up with someone as glossy as Gossip Girl’s Nate. Okay. Maybe not the actual Nate. But someone who is willing to furrow their brow, flash a smile, and chatter away just like the real one.

5. Stop apologizing for being strong.

This one is worth repeating like a mantra: Stop apologizing for being strong and self-sufficient. Men worth dating are much more likely to want precisely these qualities than artificial displays of feminine neediness. There isn’t much that’s more pathetic than guys who need to put women down in order to convince themselves of their masculine valour. Who needs these guys?

6. Stop being afraid to have needs and vulnerabilities.

Being strong doesn’t mean that you’re Supergirl, or even Lois Lane. You have needs. You have vulnerabilities. You even have episodes of hopelessness. You have moments when you want a strong shoulder to lean on. But so does your partner. Having someone compassionate to turn to during times of breakdown is worth more than Superman’s red cape. Your partner knows this as well as you do. That’s why they are with you.

7. Stop running after someone who doesn’t want you.

There’s no point in pursuing a reluctant man/girl. You’ll only get a cramp in your side. And then your heart starts to hurt. You’ll lose your confidence. You’ll begin to doubt your desirability. You’ll get your hair done so often that half of it falls out. Your friends start plotting an intervention. Before they get to it, it’s time to stage your own. If you need to fly to Moscow to stop chasing that guy/girl, do so. You absolutely deserve a person who meets you halfway.

8. Stop looking for a partner without issues.

Everyone has issues. And persons with some complicated ones are often more interesting than those whose main issue is choosing the right pair of loafers in the morning. Do you require your- self to be completely free of issues-completely devoid of doubts, anxieties, insecurities, uncertainties, and ambivalence? No? So I thought. Why, then, would you expect your partner to be like a new-born babe with no history or human hesitation?

9. Stop manipulating the partner you love.

Focus on building a complex character. Make some money. Get going with your career. Learn Italian. Take up cross-country skiing. Bake five thousand cookies. Hand them out to everyone from your boss to the cute FedEx delivery guy. If you need a project, treat your life like a work of art. Try to make a masterpiece out of it. But don’t do this to the partner you’re dating. Once he/she realizes that you’ve turned your relationship into a papier-mâché project, they’ll resent you. Alot.

10. Stop regretting every false step you ever took.

It’s hard to get things right in love. People get hurt. You get hurt. You end up hurting your partner. No matter how much you try to protect yourself from such mishaps, they happen. They happen if you actually love rather than just playing house with someone you kind of like. Missing your step, and even missing your way, is part of love’s reality. It forces you to reassess the path you’re on. It asks you to make some modifications. This is its way of shaping your soul.

11. Stop thinking of loss as a pure loss.

Keep in mind that we rarely lose valuable things without getting something in return. The payback may be slow in coming. And some- times it’s hard to even recognize it as such. But if you wait long enough, even the worst loss is likely to bring a compensation. If nothing else, it purifies your character so that when the next hot person comes along, you’ll have enough charisma to magnetize this person. They’ll be so smitten that they’ll fly you to Tahiti on a vacation for two. You’ll pay for the hotel room, of course. You’re not a charity case. Not you.

In a conversation I was having with a friend, she shared something with me that I really never sat down and thought about, she said, “Women were groomed to suppress and please their men”, the more I thought about it, the more sense it made, so after a couple years in the relationship her true colours are coming up the guys normally wonder who is this person that they got married to or is dating, so my answer to that is, just be yourself  and since we said twelve, then we go back to the first: Stop trying so hard. There you go. These are your twelve anti-rules. They won’t guarantee your everlasting happiness. They won’t even guarantee a ring on your finger. And, alas, they definitely won’t guarantee that Tom Welling will super-speed to your side when the going gets tough. But they’ll guarantee that you will have lived. Boldly. Bravely. Audaciously. Like a true lover.

The above is an excerpt from The Case For Falling in Love, by Mari Ruti, Ph.D., published by Sourcebooks Casablanca. Republished with permission.

Filed Under: General Chat, Love, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How To Make Your Relationship More Exciting

May 15, 2013 by Leave a Comment
fun couples

How to make your relationship more exciting

Throughout my professional career I’ve come across many people that were lacking excitement in their relationship. Many of them have experienced some form of it in the beginning of their relationship- but they all seem to ask me the same question…”where did all the fun go…and how can I get it back?”

I know that when you’re starting a new relationship it may be fun, exciting, and there are few arguments (if any). Someone even compared it to buying a new car and having that new car smell. But what

happens after all the fun stops?

Here’s what you can do to get the fun back:

“Magic Relationship Words That Make Sure You Say It Right Every Time In Any Situation With Your Partner, Spouse or Lover– No More Conflicts That Last Forever, Stonewalling or Nasty Arguments…”

spark

50 Secrets of a Blissful Relationship

1. Show your creative side. When it comes to making a successful, long-lasting relationship, sometimes we need to think outside of the box. Coming up with fresh ideas for love and romance (or even where the next place you’ll go to spend time together) could be the key to keeping your relationship thrilling.

2. Get Spontaneous. Do things “just because”. Surprise your partner by planning a nice romantic getaway. Summer is here, so no traveling around this time may be very enjoyable for the both of you.

3. Talk to your partner. Find out from your partner why your relationship is starting to get boring. Are there things going on in his/her life (bills, work, etc) that’s stressing him/her out (this may be the reason for the lack of excitement)? Or is he/she just plainly losing interest in the relationship? Communicate with your partner to find out what’s going on and then take it from there.

successful marriage 1

MAGIC WORDS

Relationship Secrets of The Most Satisfied… Most Passionate… and Most Deeply Connected Couples in The World!

Whatever you need to do to make your relationship more exciting, then do it. You have to be the pro-active one if you want to get the love life that you desire.  There is no gain in pointing a finger and waiting on the other to make the first move, that is the killer of many relationships.

Filed Under: General Chat, Love Tagged With: , , , , ,

Advantages of Being Single

May 10, 2013 by 144 Comments
True Happiness

True Happiness

Just a couple days ago I sat down in a restaurant to have a meal, families with their children, couples married and dating came in, and for some reason I was observing all that was happening around me. I grew up in a home that placed so much emphasis on family, but now have to embrace my new position as a single man. Are there any advantages to being single? If you stop to think about it, most persons would say that there are no advantages to being single if all we see are negatives, but while sitting there I chose to look at the positives of being single.

• More freedom and independence

You answer to no one. If you’re single, you don’t have to let anyone know when you decide to go somewhere. It allows for more spontaneity in your life. If you want to take a weekend road trip, you can make that decision on the spur of the moment. Being single allows you to be your own person and really just do as you please. If you want to sit on the couch in an old T-shirt and shorts while munching on Doritos, no one will give you any flack for doing so. Being single allows you to make your own choices. (Guys, you wouldn’t have to worry about missing Monday Night Football to watch the Lifetime Movie of the Week.) Especially for men, being single forces you to do things for yourself, like cooking and cleaning. Being skilled at different things makes you a more complete, independent, well-rounded person, which is a great quality to have, and one that will be noticed if you decide to seek a relationship later on.

• More control over your money

In addition to time, relationships also require money, and a lot of it. Being single gives you full financial freedom. You will be in control of where every dollar you spend goes. Guys, think of the money you’ll save by not having to pay for overpriced dinners and movies, and buying all kinds of presents for birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, and the 11-week anniversary of the third date. I remember a seminar I went to and they said that when you are married you spend less and that has not been my experience.

• Not having to tolerate another person’s annoying habits

Let’s face it – all of us have quirks about ourselves that someone else finds annoying. Being single frees you from this issue. A single person doesn’t have to listen to someone snore all night while hogging the blankets. Even now I am remembering not being able to just sleep because I snored, and when I got a shut eye had to wake up to put the sheet over my feet, when it was morning I was still very tired.

• No emotional roller coaster rides

Be Happy Every Day!

Be Happy Every Day!

Being single allows you to stabilize your emotions. When a person is in a relationship, especially when it is just starting, your emotions can go completely out of whack. Your mind can go a mile a minute constantly thinking things like, “Does she/he still like me?”, “Did I say the right thing?”, “What should I do now?”, “When should I call next?” The list goes on and on. It’s enough to make a person go bonkers with all these thoughts running rampant. In addition, being single means that you won’t have to worry about going through a heart-wrenching breakup. Once you’ve become a successful single, you will appreciate being able to be emotionally relaxed. I must share this, one my most hurting experience was when I was asked to get her car serviced, I forgot for some reason and the prince I paid for not remembering even now I shudder to think that someone could be that cold.

• Ability to become aware of who you are

Being single can give you a deeper awareness of who you really are - not someone as defined by a relationship. During the initial stages of a relationship, you try to make yourself look as good as possible to impress the other person, and often find yourself saying and doing things you normally wouldn’t do. Being single allows you to be yourself and develop who you really are.

These are just some of the advantages to being single. As you progress into becoming a successful single, you will find more and more advantages.  Once you move past the “grass is greener on the other side” way of thinking, you will then be ready to make the most of being single. So be content with where you are, both sides have advantages and disadvantages.

Filed Under: Relationships, Single Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Why are you getting Married?

April 23, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Unlocking the Secrets of Marriage

Unlocking the Secrets of Marriage

I was getting older, marriage made sense, family members kept asking me questions, “When are you getting married, what are you waiting for?” The truth was, I was not sure if I was ready, thought something wrong with me.  I did not say it, but I felt the pressure building up and decided that I wanted to be married, but my reason was not the best now that I am looking back at the reasons for marriage, my reasons that is. I hate to admit it, but 6 years later, my marriage took a dive. After it did there were some questions I asked myself, and I will share this with you.

Why was I getting married?

Be honest and evaluate the reasons behind your engagement. It may sound like you are shopping for a house or a car, but the thing is, that is what it really is, shopping. Write a list of things you would like to see in a partner, it may sound ridiculous to you some of the things on the paper, but those are the things you like, so eh? If you find yourself saying, he/she is okay, not perfect, but no one is, then don’t. If you find you have to make a sales pitch for why you guys should get married, then something is wrong, and if you find them trying to convince you why you guys should get married then don’t! Have you just always wanted to get married? You need substantial reasons for getting married. I was excited going to get my suite and shoes and getting caterers etc., but I was more excited about the event than the person, my mind was just so unsettled, in other words, listen to that little voice in your head.

UNIQUEWEDDING.COM

UNIQUEWEDDING.COM

Do you know and trust your partner’s personal history?
When your partner is talking about relationships that they had, listen because that is a good sign as to how they are going to deal with you, observe the relationships they have with friends, relatives, anyone they come in contact with. It may appear to you that you are special, but when thing settle down, the relationship will take a nose dive, because they can only pretend for so long, but history does dictate how the person will operate in the future.

Have you planned a marriage or just a wedding?
Persons have a tendency to plan the wedding, but no plan goes into the marriage, and when the wedding is over, they do not know where to go from there. I remember when we came back from the honeymoon which was a disaster I may add, we did not know how to be married, with all the counseling and advice, we did not plan how we were going to approach our marriage. I was surprised when I said to my wife, we would think about kids after the third year of marriage and when the time came, she said she wanted a house before she could ever think about kids, I almost died, ‘what, a house?’. We were going into two different directions.

Are you investing more than you can afford to lose?
If you find you have to give up yourself for this person, your friends, family, your general lifestyle, don’t! My wife would not go anywhere with me after we were married, I wondered about that, then when I looked back, she would attend my football games, the movies, eat out only on my invitation, she never invited me to anything or anywhere, and it was after we were married that I realized she just wanted to stay home, she did not have to impress me anymore and just stopped going out with me, it was just like that. Simple things like that can make for a difficult marriage.

Want to plan a perfect Wedding? Cilck here!

Want to plan a perfect Wedding? Cilck here!

Have you identified and communicated your needs and expectations?
Know yourself. You can’t determine if somebody is good for you if you don’t know your own needs. It’s not selfish to have goals within a relationship. Express your needs and expectations now not when you’re already in the marriage. What are your absolute deal breakers? Do you know your partner? Let me however stress how important it is to know yourself, this blog is all about that, because it was in knowing me that I realized it’s the only way to know someone.

I wish I knew all of this before I got married, but it’s never too late to learn and now I am sharing this with you, so you will not make the same mistakes I made… just listen to the voice in your head.

Related Topics: A Happy Marriage is A Mythe

Planning to get Married anyway? Check out these tips.

Filed Under: General Chat, Marriage, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Reasons you might not be ready for a Relationship

April 6, 2013 by 1 Comment
Heartbreak

Heartbreak

This is number 10, the number after that is off your fingers and that is not good, because we are talking about the relationships you have had, and they all never worked for one reason or another. This time you are close to tears and decide to either give up or just go wild with the next person who comes along. While either decision is not good, the majority of persons you see with someone on their arm are either doing this or have settled for someone they do not want.

 

We never think about this, but the most important relationship you’ll ever have throughout life is with yourself. How you feel about and care about your body, mind and spirit sets the stage for all other relationships outside of you. From all perspectives, if you do not love yourself, it is fair to say that it is near impossible to give and receive love.

 

So based on talking with persons every day on relationshiptalk.net I have noticed a trend and will share this trend with you. Love yourself enough in order to sustain a relationship, the healthy one that is. Let these observations be a guide to you so that you do not find that you engage someone on an intimate level, just to break their heart.

 

All the persons you meet are deadbeats. When it is that you find that the persons you attract are all the same, tough guys not looking for love, emotionally unavailable, hurt by past experiences and holds on to it, separated but not divorced, recently divorced and healing, not spiritually compatible with you, etc., then it’s time to look in the mirror and ask yourself some questions. Such as: “Why is this happening to me again?”, “Am I stuck in a repetitive pattern?”, “Did I really heal from the last break-up or am I moving forward with unresolved hurts?”

Conflict

Conflict

 

Are you over your past? Because I work with people primarily after painful breakups, I look for signs that anger and resentment are gone and that they have forgiven not only their ex-partner, but themselves. To be angry at yourself is a clear sign that you are not ready to move forward. If you cannot accept where you are and who you are right now, then it’s time to make a change. You will know that you are ready to go out there and date again when you have given up your “story” and can think about your ex with neutrality, compassion, and understanding.

 

You are not ready to grow. We are always growing, so to tell your partner that you are leaving because that he/she is not the person you started out with is just a crazy thing to say. If you are not ready to grow and mature, you are not ready for love.  We should build memories not walls, so if you find yourself saying that he or she has to change something about themselves before you can accept them 100% then you are not ready for a healthy relationship.

 

A Marriage is a want, not a need. I have heard many times folks declare that they cannot do without their partner, because if the person should leave they would die!  Imagine that now, wanting a relationship, believing it would be great, but not being willing to survive without it.  You need another person in order to feel happy. Is that really where you want to be? Being happy without a relationship, is often the mind-set that will attract your equal and bring a healthy relationship into being.

All I am saying is, if you have found your bliss you can share it with another. Take the necessary steps to be happy in your own skin, realizing that the journey is for life. To begin this journey you should consider these

Who are you?

Who are you?

steps:

 

Seek to reduce the urge to have constant distractions. Don’t be afraid to be alone for long hours. Persons, who like spending time alone and don’t need to always be watching the television or talking on the phone, are able to spend time healing themselves.

 

Recognize that there is nothing wrong with you. The only one who can complete you is you; a person only comes into your life to compliment your life. True love is found with self-acceptance, and in shining the light of love on those dark places inside of us.

 

Do not settle. You are ready for love when you find that you do not wish to settle for conditional relationships, such as those offered by otherwise committed persons (e.g. workaholics or married men/women).  Be aware of the costs of having “Friends with Benefits”.

 

Visualize attracting like-minded partners. When your energy of loving yourself and acceptance is turned up, it’s easy to attract the person who is available, interested, and ready for healthy, happy and wholesome relationship.

 

Honour your bigger “SELF”. You may not think about it, but understanding oneself is one of the most difficult things, if you are not committed to it. With understanding you can now consider others, having compassion and the ability to forgive others. Considering others without compromising or obsessing about “ME” will prepare you

Talk to someone

Talk to someone

for a healthy, beautiful relationship.

Call off the search for love. The one who is most ready for love is the person who has stopped searching. He or She has been concentrating on developing his or her own skills, passion, and happiness.

 

Be self-confident. This is the key to know that you are ready for love. When one takes pride in themselves and they are clear about what they are worth then you will attract that person who is ready to engage in a healthy relationship with you.

 

You will not believe how putting these simple rules into action will cause your relationship to bloom. Discuss it with a friend, read a book, Google the topics that come to your mind, but at the end of the day, let your happiness start now!

Dedicated to Nicole

Filed Under: Divorce, General Chat, Relationships Tagged With: , , , ,
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