Of course you want to save your relationship, but you are totally confused and afraid, and you do not know where to turn. This person that you have gotten married to has totally done a 360 on you and uncertainty about the way forward is killing you.
The answer is not going to be in this article, but I will try to open your mind to some things that you may or may not have considered. Perhaps all you can think about is, “What if we had not had children?” The house, the finances, the extended family members and the impact it could have on them is what is keeping you locked down with this unhappy situation, and there just is no way out.
You have tried “talking about it,” and these are the strategies that never work:
1. The reassurance that they or you have changed: “I won’t be controlling anymore. I won’t lie to you anymore. I won’t have another affair, I am sorry, I will change.” This never works.
2. Telling your partner the “I love you” that they want to hear, while appealing to their love language. That never works.
3. Arguing, reasoning, or trying to talk them into feeling or doing differently. That never works!
4. Always agreeing, even if you know deep down in your heart that what you’re agreeing with is not what you honestly believe or want to do.
The only solution in your mind to this pattern is divorce! This is where I might send you to some secure site with your credit card information and then you click to find that the information given is the same information you can find all over the place. Nothing changes, because you might be searching but is your partner doing the same?
After you and your partner have talked, onlookers would say, go see a professional counsellor. In your desperation to save your marriage, you go, expecting the counselor to say “You guys need to do this or that” and like magic, your marriage would be back!
I remember my counsellor telling me that not all individuals were meant to be together, that you just do not flick a switch and make the other person who you want them to be, that we are each the only person we can change and have any control over, and that what is necessary in all cases is true acceptance of your partner.
The answers to relationship trouble are not in a book or in this article, but in knowing and accepting your partner. Once you have an understanding of how your partner thinks and feels, then you can learn to accept who the person is.
1. Be honest with your partner;
2. Always show respect, in other words, do unto them as you would have them do to you;
3. Love is a principle not a feeling, so when you do not feel to show love, SHOW LOVE;
4. Because all relationships are unique, you will need to read and search until you find a formula that you can use in turning things around; never give up;
5. Be kind in thoughts and deeds, ALWAYS;
6. Know that it is normal to feel anger towards your spouse:
7. Also know that it is normal to question if your partner is the right person;
8. Love the one you are with, and make this your motto!
9. Spend quality time together;
10. Since we eat every day and drink water every day, love your partner EVERY DAY!
11. Do not discuss your issues with family or friends…ever!
Since I have talked to individuals every day for the past 6 years online, I have realized that these simple rules work for most. There are those relationships that are irreconcilable, but they are few. When I share these few rules, I get responses every day saying “We are back!”
Those who do leave discover that when we move on, we experience the same things we were running from. I cannot make this
decision to stay or go for you, but make sure that when you have made your decision, you have first done all these things. You can contact a professional in assisting you through the process, not to answer the hard questions and fix it for you, and remember never to do it alone: let your partner know at all times what your intentions are.
The hurt of a failing marriage or relationship is a pain that cannot be explained, but we can put it behind us by following some basic principles in life. I have shared just a few in this article.
Other Related Article: Turn The Thoughts of Divorce Around