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Preventing Separation

March 24, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up!

Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up!

Of course you want to save your relationship, but you are totally confused and afraid, and you do not know where to turn. This person that you have gotten married to has totally done a 360 on you and uncertainty about the way forward is killing you.

The answer is not going to be in this article, but I will try to open your mind to some things that you may or may not have considered. Perhaps all you can think about is, “What if we had not had children?” The house, the finances, the extended family members and the impact it could have on them is what is keeping you locked down with this unhappy situation, and there just is no way out.

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You have tried “talking about it,” and these are the strategies that never work:
1. The reassurance that they or you have changed: “I won’t be controlling anymore. I won’t lie to you anymore. I won’t have another affair, I am sorry, I will change.” This never works.
2. Telling your partner the “I love you” that they want to hear, while appealing to their love language. That never works.
3. Arguing, reasoning, or trying to talk them into feeling or doing differently. That never works!
4. Always agreeing, even if you know deep down in your heart that what you’re agreeing with is not what you honestly believe or want to do.

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The only solution in your mind to this pattern is divorce! This is where I might send you to some secure site with your credit card information and then you click to find that the information given is the same information you can find all over the place. Nothing changes, because you might be searching but is your partner doing the same?

After you and your partner have talked, onlookers would say, go see a professional counsellor. In your desperation to save your marriage, you go, expecting the counselor to say “You guys need to do this or that” and like magic, your marriage would be back!

I remember my counsellor telling me that not all individuals were meant to be together, that you just do not flick a switch and make the other person who you want them to be, that we are each the only person we can change and have any control over, and that what is necessary in all cases is true acceptance of your partner.

The answers to relationship trouble are not in a book or in this article, but in knowing and accepting your partner. Once you have an understanding of how your partner thinks and feels, then you can learn to accept who the person is.

honest relationship

Honesty and Openness

1. Be honest with your partner;
2. Always show respect, in other words, do unto them as you would have them do to you;
3. Love is a principle not a feeling, so when you do not feel to show love, SHOW LOVE;
4. Because all relationships are unique, you will need to read and search until you find a formula that you can use in turning things around; never give up;
5. Be kind in thoughts and deeds, ALWAYS;
6. Know that it is normal to feel anger towards your spouse:
7. Also know that it is normal to question if your partner is the right person;
8. Love the one you are with, and make this your motto!
9. Spend quality time together;
10. Since we eat every day and drink water every day, love your partner EVERY DAY!
11. Do not discuss your issues with family or friends…ever!

Since I have talked to individuals every day for the past 6 years online, I have realized that these simple rules work for most. There are those relationships that are irreconcilable, but they are few. When I share these few rules, I get responses every day saying “We are back!”

Those who do leave discover that when we move on, we experience the same things we were running from. I cannot make this

Ebook on Repairing marriage

Ebook on Repairing marriage

decision to stay or go for you, but make sure that when you have made your decision, you have first done all these things. You can contact a professional in assisting you through the process, not to answer the hard questions and fix it for you, and remember never to do it alone: let your partner know at all times what your intentions are.

The hurt of a failing marriage or relationship is a pain that cannot be explained, but we can put it behind us by following some basic principles in life. I have shared just a few in this article.

Other Related Article: Turn The Thoughts of Divorce Around

 

Filed Under: Divorce, Love Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

HOW TO BREAK UP!

July 8, 2012 by 3 Comments

I got a call from an old friend and she was in tears. After being in a relationship for over 10 years she finally decided to move on, he was not getting any better, he was not proposing, things were just going on and on, she was hoping that things would change, but they haven’t and she now wants to break it off, but all this conversation is going on in her head.

I lied in bed listening to her go on and on about it and wondered how easy it should have been for her to just tell him all that she was just telling me, she wanted a breakup, so heartfelt, so open and so vulnerable, he should be able to understand? His defences may go up and he would keep interrupting her trying to make a case for himself and what she just said to him would just go up in smoke!

She told me that in the past she tried moving on, left him, but for some reason he found her and begged, blew up her phone none stop for 3 days, when she checked, she had 578 miss calls, who does that?

For 3 out of the 10 years she has been trying to break up with the guy and with no success, but he is not me, just say the word and I am gone; but some guys are different, they hang on even if they know they are making their partner unhappy. I am not even going to beat up on these guys, because some have abandonment issues, in fact I have known guys who break up with their women, and when she finds someone else they are upset, makes no sense.

Some people the problem could be steering them in the eye they will not let go because of fear or having abandonment issues. No matter what you say to him, he is going to make a case for you staying, even if he sees that you are unhappy, in time he thinks that you will be happy again, and the next thing you know, 20 years pass and you are still with this guy who you do not love or you are happy with, trying all the time to break up!

Here are some things you can do:

  1. Be honest with the person about how you are feeling, do not sugar-coat it, but do not hurt try to hurt them deliberately, the message is enough.
  2. He/She is going to make a case for why you both should be together, but hold your ground.
  3. While the conversation is going on, it  is not about “US” or “YOU”, it is about “I”.
  4. Your partner may threaten by saying that they will commit suicide, they won’t!
  5. When the person is talking and making a case for why you should stay together, listen, be still, they will eventually get exhausted, but do not get into an argument, it can suck you right in and you sometimes will give in because you are tired.
  6. When you are away from the person, delete all contact, and I mean ALL.
  7. Now that you are home and away from this person, you will sometimes feel lonely, under no situation and even if you need help with something they are last person in the world you should call, and do not call to find out if they are okay, do not contact him/her.

After going through that ordeal, I had to write something on this. Freedom from a stressful relationship is like water in the midst of a dessert, there is no price you can pay for your freedom and happiness. For those who are suffering, we also have the BREAKUP BLUEPRINT.

 

Filed Under: Divorce, General Chat, Relationships Tagged With: , , ,

What to do when the Newness Wears Off?

February 29, 2012 by 129 Comments

The ability to adapt to change is a great asset in this ever changing world. In fact, those who are able to quickly adapt to changing circumstances and stay ahead of the curve are often thought of as cutting edge. In some cases, this ability can even mean our very survival.
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You probably also know those who are resistant to making any kind of new adjustment, unless they are forced to do so. We might describe them as stuck in their ways. This mindset often results in being way behind the curve, instead of ahead of it. So being able to recognize the need for change, and quickly adapt to it, can certainly serve us well.
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When you buy a new car, how often do you wash it and then stand back just to admire its design? How about six months later, does it still get the same amount of attention? You see what I mean? We get used to things really fast. This is how adaptability works. You see a need for change, you adapt, and you move on. The challenge becomes the norm, and everything new eventually becomes common place.
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The problem with adaptability is that once the newness wears off, it’s real easy to start taking things (and people) for granted. That shiny new car that we thought so much of becomes last years model. That exciting new job becomes the grind. And if we aren’t careful, that amazing new person in our life gets way less appreciation.
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Keeping things new!
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What is it that allows us to continue appreciating something, or someone, even after the newness wears off? Really, it boils down to two important things – GRATITUDE and FOCUS. The secrete here is that one feeds the other. If you focus on the wonderful qualities of someone, then you can’t help but feel grateful for having them in your life. And if you are grateful, then you will take the time to focus on their wonderful qualities. See how that works? Let me add very quickly, you do have qualities that I find very attractive. Your selflessness when it come to friends, you aim to please, your loving and sensitive nature, a willingness to learn, driven, excitable, adventurous, spontaneous, a strong but assuming personality, a subtle taste in style (saw you checking out my shoes on Sunday), vivacious, committed to change, and even though love has failed you, a never give up on love approach, are all qualities that make you special to me.
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Just so you know, this also works the other way around, so be careful. The more you focus on someone’s imperfections, the more fault you will find and the less gratitude you will feel. So if you want to keep your feelings of appreciation and gratitude alive, focus on the good and avoid fault finding. In reality, we all have plenty of faults and we appreciate it when others don’t shine a spotlight on ours. I see your faults, you remind me of them too, but I will not be focusing on it, I just love you.
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Take a look at your own appreciation levels
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Are there important aspects of your life that aren’t receiving the level of appreciation they deserve? We could ask this question with regard to people or material possessions. Even though the concept applies equally to both, I will focus on people for the moment. For some reason, familiarity can easily obscure our estimation of the people closest to us.
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Here are 5 strategies we can use to avoid the tendency of taking these people for granted, and keep our appreciation alive.
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1) Remember. The people who are closest to us are in that position for one or more reasons. Do you remember what qualities attracted you to them in the first place? How often do you take the time to appreciate those special qualities? Remembering why that person came to be part of your life can help keep your appreciation for them alive and healthy.
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2) Recount. As long as you are thinking about how special they are, why not mention it? Not only will they appreciate your expressions, but verbalizing your positive feelings will also serve to reinforce them in your heart. Our nervous system takes many of it’s cues from the words that come out of our own mouths.
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3) Notice. Do you still notice the many ways that those special qualities manifest themselves? It’s entirely possible to remember what attracted you to that person, and still fail to notice their current expressions of those same qualities. Living in the moment helps us to really see how valuable others are to us. Appreciation is a real time activity.
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4) Respond. We respond with appreciation through personal interaction. When someone you care about is doing something that you appreciate, can they sense your approval? Does your response send a clear message of approval and appreciation? Whether it’s a smile, an appreciative comment, or a helping hand, giving positive feedback is a form of approval.
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5) Attitude. Do you have the attitude of gratitude for those special people in your life? Do you count them among your blessings? If so, then the four steps above will come easily and naturally for you. However, if it’s a struggle for you, try spending some time each day thinking about how grateful you are to have these special people in your life, and why. Never underestimate the power of gratitude.

Newness is all about perception

Familiarity does not need to diminish our level of wonder and appreciation. A friend of mine said, he and his wife have been together for almost 26 years, and he is still in awe over how amazing she is. In his heart that sense of newness is still alive because he can never quite get used to the fact that such a wonderful person is in his life. When I heard that, tears came to my eyes, and I wondered if I will ever achieve that level in my life.
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We can all cultivate this kind of appreciation. Applying the 5 strategies above will help us keep things new while avoiding the tendency to take anything, or anyone, for granted. I enjoyed your emails to me. Let me share with you this little fact. In 2005 my wife and I went to seek counseling because things were not going well and was at that stage for a long time. The counselor went through his ritual of explaining the importance of counseling and said what he is hearing from the both of us; we stood a good chance of surviving. He gave us some instructions, and my request was for her to write love letters to me, because I enjoy reading stuff written to me about me.

 

Two months past and we went back, and he asked her if we did as was required, I did, and she didn’t. He asked her why not? Her answer was one that stayed with me, even today as I am typing this note, ‘I COULD NOT BE BOTHERED’! Well it hit me and I realized that if we do not know how to show gratitude and know how to forgive, the newness will wear off and like anything else our love will certainly die. To all the lovers out there, remember Gratitude and stay Focused.

Filed Under: General Chat, Relationships, Single Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Games People Play

February 25, 2012 by 72 Comments

Whenever we begin a new relationship, there appears to be certain GAMES that many people play, consciously or unconsciously. It can be maddening.

Let’s pretend a friend of mine emailed the other week excited about a new relationship that had been going on for two months. She had met the man online (where an increasing number of people meet one another, whether through a formal online dating site, or just randomly through a common-interest site). The two of them had hit it off famously and the relationship was going extremely well. The sex was the most fantastic sex she has ever had.

So she writes me and says, “I think I’m falling for this guy.” More so, she says she’s never felt this way about any other guy before him (and let’s assume she’s been involved in serious relationships previously).

Excellent, I say to her, and encourage her to express her feelings to this man. I mean, it’s been two months, the relationship is going just great, and she seems ready to move it to the next level. She’s just afraid. Like so many people in a new relationship, she’s afraid of all the possible things that could go wrong. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if he’s hiding this weird, deep, dark secret about his life? What if his family is screwed up? What if he moves away for his job in a year’s time?

It’s the question that keeps so many of us from pursuing our hearts and our feelings, the ‘what ifs’.

I answer, I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. All of those things, and more, could be true, but you can’t live your life based upon “What ifs.” You need to live base upon your needs, your feelings, and your own desires for your future.

So after considering my advice and the advice of her other friends, she thinks, Okay, I’m going to tell him how I feel. I love him, and he needs to know that. And I think I see the same kinds of feelings in him toward me too — whenever he sees me, his eyes light up and his whole demeanour changes. I think he loves me too.

Wisely, because in my pretend world all of my friends are wise, she doesn’t just blurt out, “I love you!” In some instances, such a course of action may be the best way to go. But she knows better based upon past experiences and perhaps a little something in the back of her head which encourages playing it more indirectly. And so the game begins…

She says, “So what if someone were to tell you that they were falling for you…?,” posing it as a hypothetical. A none-too-subtle hypothetical. But still, it distances her somewhat from the actual meaning of the question by not putting the emotions onto her directly. Why? To protect her own heart and to be able to keep her dignity if the answer isn’t reciprocated.

She honestly believes — and she’s a very level-headed, rational and logical person — that this guy has more than just a passing feeling for her. She’s just not a fling for him. These signs have been very clear to her. So why would he act like he feels virtually nothing for her?

I don’t have the answers, but I find the whole thing intriguing because we’re so often concerned with our own self-protection, we may end up sabotaging the real potential of the relationship and feelings in front of us. We’re so concerned about being hurt; we deny the possibility of a reality in which we’re happy. I’d call it self-sabotaging, but that’s too dramatic. I’m not always certain people make these decisions consciously, either; it may very well be an unconscious reaction or behaviour, occurring “in the moment.”

I wish we, as humans, wouldn’t feel the need, so often born out of fear, to not play these relationship games. I wish that we could be honest with ourselves, so that we could be honest with the others in our lives and put an end to such games, but the games continues.

Filed Under: General Chat, Love, Single Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Letting Go of the Safety Net

January 29, 2012 by 125 Comments

Still have that number programmed into your phone?  You know the one of that person on the back burner who you only call in those lonely moments when there isn’t anything better to do?  The casual hook up that you know you shouldn’t indulge in because that person has more feelings for you than you have for them?

Being single can be tough sometimes, hell, a lot of the time.  It can be an ego boost to have that one person who happens to adore you unconditionally.  You’ve probably asked yourself several times why you aren’t head over heels in love with this person.  They are perfectly nice, good looking and fun, but there seems to be something missing.  Love is strange like that.  It doesn’t always make sense why some people just hit us harder than others.  This person on paper seems perfect, yet you aren’t drawn to them like other people in your past.

Yet, you can’t let them go either.  They continue to stay on the back burner for a reason.  It is very rare for a person to go from the backseat position to the front.  However, your brain may lie to you and convince you to keep this person around, just in case.  Just in case you have you have a wedding you need a date for.  Just in case no one better comes along.  Just in case you do cut them loose only to find they were the love of your life.  It feels safer to have this person around then to delete that number from your phone.

No one likes to make a mistake.  Some people have a hard time making choices and are afraid of making the wrong choice.  Here is this person that doesn’t turn you off, but doesn’t exactly turn you on either.  It can be very tempting to keep them around in case you change your mind.  However, in this case, another person’s heart is involved.  If they are into you, then it is going to be a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions for them.  While you are busy looking for other people to date they are going to feel lonely and left out.  When you need them in a moment of weakness you are going to give them hope for the future.  Only to disappoint them again if someone with more potential comes around.  You may not realize that they are hanging on every move you make, hoping for more one day.  Giving them hope can be very cruel, even though it may seem very innocent to you.

You may also tell yourself that it isn’t your fault that they continue to take your calls.  You may think they have a choice, and that they don’t have to hook up with you if they don’t want to.  What you are failing to consider is that their emotions are a lot stronger than yours.  That makes them not so smart when it comes to making decisions about you.  They KNOW they shouldn’t text you back, but they can’t help it.  They are in love with you, and you just gave them a glimmer of hope.  It is really hard to turn away from that.  What they also don’t need is your pity.  Don’t text them because you feel sorry for them.  They need you to make a choice.  Either love them or leave them alone.

Leaving them alone means letting go of your safety net.  It will help them see reality and be able to move on.  You learn to be alone and not depend on someone you “sorta” like in moments of loneliness.  If they were really just your friend there wouldn’t be this awkwardness when you do talk about other people you are attracted to.   You know when someone is just your friend and when they’re the person you keep on the back burner.  There is a difference.  In moments of loneliness choose to hang out with friends or family.  Find a new hobby or find new places to hang out where you will be able to meet new people easily.  Being alone is different than being lonely.  Many single people learn to be content being alone at times without being lonely.  It is possible.  It is a matter of adjustment in the way you think and in the things you do.  Being alone at times isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you.

It is a better choice than to use someone just because you’d rather be with them over being alone.  That isn’t a good reason to be with someone, and it isn’t fair to them to be your second choice.  Try going solo for awhile without having that backup phone number programmed into your phone.  You may find that it helps you meet someone you are truly into sooner rather than later.  Once you learn to be content being alone you don’t come off as desperate to others.  You may also try harder to meet new people since you don’t have that safety net to fall back on.  It isn’t easy, but it is the more mature way to go.

Filed Under: Divorce, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Celebrities Break Up More Often

January 29, 2012 by 42 Comments

Not every relationship is the same. Every couple, whether they are celebrities or regular folks like you and me, has to go through their own set of ups and downs. So why is it that when we see a new Hollywood couple’s dating or marriage gossip in the tabloids, we automatically assume they might break up in the near future? Does that have anything to do with the fact that we have witnessed countless celebrity break ups, and are somehow sure that the relationship will end in some time? Even though the answers may seem believable and quite frankly, true to a certain level, celebrity relationships are more likely to end up badly.

If you don’t believe me, think about the celebrity breakups stats for a second. In United States, as more and more couples bind themselves in holy matrimony, the divorce rates are rising as well; close to 50%. However, when we talk about celebrity marriages, that number rises at an astounding 70 to 80%; quite a huge difference when you think about it. Nearly everyday, we read and watch news on a new celebrity hookup and/or breakup. Now, I’m not saying that all those paparazzi news are accurate or faulty. However, they do seem to bring forth the uncertain personal lives of the celebrities. No matter what we do or think about their personal love lives, we will witness perhaps many more famous celebrity couples following the road to much-publicized breakups. But that still doesn’t answer our question on why celebrity couples break up in the first place. If I’m not being too bold into saying this, but I have some theories in mind which I would love to share with you all.

Reasons for Short-lived Celebrity Marriages and Courtships

As of November 2011, the latest and most popular celebrity break up is that of newlywed Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries. The entire world witnessed their ‘very public’ union (which lasted 72 days) and news of their split. However big of a shock this latest celebrity news may be, there were some skeptics who predicted just that. But the point is, how is it possible that more and more celebrities are either separating or giving each other a divorce. Surely there has to be some explanation to this. Is there?

Constantly Away Due to Work Commitments
Since we are talking about celebrities, it’s obvious to point out that their work keeps them on their toes, at all times. Right from filming for movies, television shows, or any other work commitments, spending time with one another can be difficult. When career is put before a relationship, due to hectic schedule, things can get a bit messy. Needless to say, this can bring about instances of infidelity, boredom, insecurity, etc. (it’s quite common). When being away becomes a regular ordeal, stretching the relationship can seem pointless. And thus, the decision to ‘end it all’ pops in.

Wanted a Wedding, Not the Marriage
For those married celebrity couples who decide to part ways, their ideology of getting married is to live in the dreamland. Let me explain in detail. When a celebrity couple decides to get married, a possible reason could be that they are attracted towards the idea of a gorgeous wedding day. However, when that day passes, marriage becomes a full-time job. The idea of living a normal married life, as compared to a dream celebrity wedding-marriage, becomes too much to handle. Not wanting to endure the responsibilities and make some sacrifices that are included, many celebrity couples simply panic and want to quit.

The Laws of Attraction Changed
It happens to many of us; same can be said about our celebrity couples. What once felt like a deep, physical attraction, now it has taken a course of fizzling away. Losing interest from the ‘object of desire’ is very common and that can be one of the reasons of celebrity breakups. It may sound selfish to some of you, but think about it logically. This can happen to anyone of us as well. It isn’t just that celebrities are prone towards this fate.

The ‘Fun’ Factor is Missing
We’ve heard this one before, “we both wanted different things out of life”, “our interests changed”, “we grew apart”, “it’s not working anymore”, or “we need to find ourselves as individuals first”. The point is, when did anyone say that this was going to be easy? Relationships are never easy and they require constant efforts from the couple. The initial attraction phase dies and perhaps, takes the relationship along with it. Not knowing each other properly, or not being able to give each other time to know who the other person really is, can be the culprit. Fun from that relationship disappears. And so, when things don’t work out the way they are supposed to, the decision to separate sounds quite tempting.

Constant Media and Paparazzi Attention
No, I’m not insinuating that paparazzi have anything to do with a celebrity couple breaking up. What their involvement in any couples’ lives is that their constant need to photograph and capture couples can play a role. How, you ask? Let me explain. Let me just divert the topic for a little while. There are millions of couples, married and/or dating around the world. However, their love lives aren’t being publicly talked about every single minute. On the contrary, celebrities come into the spotlight even if they sneeze. Which is why, when we pick up a tabloid magazine or switch to the entertainment channel on our televisions, all we see are reports on which couple’s relationship went kaput. So, even though this may not be the reason behind why celebrities break up more often, it’s safe to say that we keep getting updates on a regular basis.

Temptations Testing Their Loyalty Toward One Another
We all have heard, read, and watched it on television that some celebrity couples break up because infidelity has penetrated into their relationships. Just take the examples of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren (Tiger Woods cheated on his wife), Elizabeth Hurley and Arun Nayar (allegedly Elizabeth Hurley cheated on her husband), Sandra Bullock and Jesse James (Jesse James cheated on his wife), Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon (Ryan Phillippe cheated on his wife), Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley (Hugh Grant cheated on his girlfriend), and Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards (Charlie Sheen cheated on his wife); just to name a few. Okay, I know that this seems like a biased list, but that wasn’t my intention at all. Slip-ups are possible and many celebrities have proven it to be true. As their profession keeps them surrounded with beautiful people, on a regular basis, infidelity is not out of the question. And if such an instance occurs, paparazzi isn’t far behind to publish it for our enjoyment. So when one of the partners catches the other in the act, it all goes downhill from there.

Breaking Up Is Easier
When every tried and tested rule is followed, and still things don’t seem to fall into place, breaking up is the only feasible option. To come to think of it, perhaps it is because these celebrities are always so busy, and finding quality time to mend a relationship might not be possible. Of course, no one can be absolutely sure as to what exactly goes on in the life of a celebrity. However, we can only wonder. And in the end, when things just don’t work out and break up is the only option, all it leaves is the hope of finding happiness, romance, security, and love in another relationship.

Even though we have spoken about the ups and downs in the lives of celebrity relationships, I can’t help but mention that these ‘reasons’ or ‘issues’ come up in our lives as well. So what if they are celebrities and always in the limelight. Just because their lives are appealing to us doesn’t mean they don’t have their own personal lives to lead. People involve themselves in relationships, and they break up. What we need to keep in mind is that even celebrities have lives, they fall in love, can have absolutely chaotic lives, and make mistakes in the matters of the heart. Since their lives are invariably questioned and in the limelight, it might be tough to hold on to someone and just make it work.

By Sheetal Mandora

Filed Under: Divorce, General Chat Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,
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